Horny While Grieving? "Mourning Wood" Is More Common Than You Think

Grieving the death of a friend or family member can sometimes feel impossible. Some people may find comfort in surrounding themselves with loved ones, while others might attend a grief retreat in hopes of finding tools to heal. For some people, however, the most unexpected symptom of loss isn't the tears, the brain fog, or the numbness: it's the insatiable surge of horniness.

"Mourning wood" is the surprising wave of arousal that can hit during the process of grieving. Someone with mourning wood may want sex more often than usual, crave more physical touch with a partner, or feel turned on during moments that they otherwise wouldn't be.

In one popular Reddit thread, one user asked if it was OK to feel horny shortly after a loved one dies. "My grandmother of 94 recently died three days ago," the user stated. "I started feeling a bit horny (a bit more than usual). I feel sad, guilty and anxious. Is it normal or even ok to feel this or is something wrong with me?"

On a different Reddit thread, another user asked if grief can actually increase your libido. "I think I might be so overwhelmed with emotions and unable to process them that it's resulted in a higher libido," they said.

As confusing as mourning wood can feel, the answer is yes, a heightened state of arousal can absolutely be a normal response to grief. Below, psychologist Lienna Wilson, PsyD, explains why this can happen, and what to do if you're experiencing this type of grief response.

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Lienna Wilson, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Princeton, NJ.

What Is Mourning Wood, and Why Does It Occur?

Though mourning wood sounds similar to morning wood, these are not the same experiences. "Mourning wood is a slang term for occurrences of heightened sexual arousal that sometimes occur during the grieving process," Dr. Wilson says. "It has nothing to do with morning erections, and can be experienced by any sex throughout the grieving process." Unlike morning wood, mourning wood is completely gender neutral. Anyone can experience mourning wood, no matter your gender or sexual orientation.

According to Dr. Wilson, the reason you may experience heightened horniness while grieving could be because you simply want to feel better. "Psychological pain activates some of the same areas of the brain as physical pain, and when the body is in pain, it craves a release of endorphins," she explains. And what releases these feel-good chemicals in the body? Orgasms.

People may also look to sex and physical connection as a coping mechanism. "A lot of people crave physical comfort during grief," Dr. Wilson says. "Sexual intimacy can provide a much deeper physical connection and comfort, especially if it is with a partner that you know and trust."

That said, some people may experience the opposite of mourning wood. According to Dr. Wilson, the stress you experience when you're grieving can increase your cortisol levels, which might actually decrease overall sexual arousal. "However, a need for endorphin pain relief might counterbalance that, leading to sexual arousal," she adds.

Is Mourning Wood a Normal Response to Grief?

There's no "normal" way to grieve. What works for one person may not work for another. For some, grief can bring about emotional withdrawal, loss of appetite, or difficulty sleeping. For others, it can bring an increased need for closeness, comfort, and, yes, even sex. "Everyone grieves in their own way, so there is nothing wrong with having heightened sexual urges when grieving," Dr. Wilson says.

That said, if a person is using sex as a distraction, it may not be so healthy. "If you notice that you feel emptier or experience feelings of guilt, then it may not be a good coping behavior," Dr. Wilson says. For this reason, she recommends always consulting with a therapist or grief specialist who can help you work through your feelings.

Taylor Andrews is the senior balance editor at Popsugar, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With eight years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.