Is Everyone Going to Sex Parties Without Me?

Several years ago, back in my more adventurous days, I found myself in a polyamorous relationship, meaning that my partner and I had the option to have romantic and sexual partnerships with other people. Along with navigating the challenges of watching my partner flirt with and date other people, I also learned that polyamory often intersects with the kink community, and many of our local non-monogamous folks were also into some pretty wild stuff in the bedroom. That is how I was introduced to sex parties.

I had always seen variations of a "sex party" in movies and television, and most were portrayed like orgies where tons of people get naked and engage in absolutely carnal behavior. Then there's also porn, plenty of which involves group sex that begins in a party setting. But the sex parties I was invited to were quite different from those portrayals.

When I was dating my polyamorous ex, I discovered that sex parties were a regular occurrence in the non-monogamy community. Not only that, but they were serious business. The invitations were exclusive; every single person who entered the host home had to be fully vetted, tested for STIs, and trusted to not misbehave or violate consent in any way. There were rules about safety, drinking, which rooms were designated for certain activities, and even pool use.

Now I'll admit, even though I was in a non-monogamous relationship at the time (and as sex-positive as I am), I was way too intimidated to attend any of the various sex parties my partner and I were invited to. There was definitely an element of anxiety about having tons of people see me naked and engaging in sex when I knew I would see them in more vanilla settings later on.

That said, I now regret not going — for those who are interested, sex parties can offer a chance to let go of shame and fear around sex and just have fun enjoying pleasure with new people. Plus, sex parties appear to be more common than ever, with more people openly discussing them.

But this all may beg the question: how does one get invited to a sex party?

If you're curious, you're in luck. Ahead, experts share their best advice for what to know about sex parties, which ones are right for you, and how the heck to even get there in the first place.

Experts Featured in This Article

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, also known simply as Dr. Tara, is a sex and relationship expert, California State University Fullerton professor, and host of the "Luvbites" podcast.

Michael Hollice is founder of The Play, an invite-only sex party community in Los Angeles.

First, What Are the Different Types of Sex Parties?

The parties I was invited to were in a more casual, house-party setting with a group of people who generally knew each other. That said, a wide spectrum exists. According to sex expert Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, some can get really lavish — and you've gotta pay to play.

"One of the most expensive ones includes an annual membership of $30,000," Dr. Tara says. "The one we go to in LA is $1,500 per couple per event. There are also more affordable ones like $150 to $500." Not only can they cost as much as a down payment on a house, but many of these ultra-exclusive parties still involve a strict vetting process, with some judging attractiveness based on an applicant's submitted photos.

If this doesn't sound like your vibe, that's OK. There are likely to be plenty of other options for you to explore. The Play founder Michael Hollice says you can find sex parties for virtually any preference. "Sex parties range from casual play parties to ultra-exclusive private experiences," he tells PS. "You have everything from house parties with a loose dress code to invite-only luxury experiences with curated guest lists. Some are focused on kink, BDSM, or fetish exploration, while others cater to couples, singles, or queer communities."

How to Get Invited to a Sex Party

While I received sex party invitations via communities I was already involved in, getting access to these events isn't always a "who you know" situation. In fact, in the case of parties like The Play, sometimes all it takes is simply asking.

Many private sex-positive communities and gatherings offer the chance to apply on their website or through a referral. Dr. Tara says that finding a local sex party can be as easy as searching "sex parties near me" or joining kink-friendly apps like Feeld, WAX, or websites like FetLife. (As a warning: FetLife in particular is an anything-goes platform and some content is pretty hardcore, and probably not best suited for beginners.)

You can also join local communities you find during your search, or those you might hear about by word of mouth. For example, Dr. Tara says that joining sex-positive communities or even just hanging around more sexually liberated friends could lead you to these opportunities. But there's also no harm in expressing interest or applying — you never know unless you try.

When it comes to snagging an invite to an exclusive or private event like The Play, Hollice says getting involved with your local kink or sex-positive community, attending vanilla mixers, and even engaging with them on social media can help. Groups like The Play also prioritize referrals, so connecting with others who are actively involved may be your way in.

How to Find the Right Sex Party For You

Getting an invitation to a sex party is one thing — figuring out whether you want to go is another. While the prospect of attending may be thrilling, you also want to consider if that specific party is the right environment for you. Personally, I know that a casual environment with a smaller group of people, some of whom I already know, would be the most comfortable for me. If you're down for an indulgent and over-the-top event, however, one of the luxury sex parties may be up your alley.

According to Hollice, finding the right fit involves three Cs: comfort, curiosity, and chemistry. He suggests you reflect on the kind of environment you'd feel most at home in — something laid back or more high-end? He also notes that you'll want to get clear on what kind of sexual activity you're looking for, if any, whether it's kink, group play, or just being in a sex-positive environment.

Above all, though, Hollice says the people around you can make or break the experience. "Does the community feel right? A well-run party should have a vibe that resonates with you, whether that's elegant and intimate or wild and uninhibited. For first-timers, I always recommend attending a social or non-play event first to get a feel for the space before diving in," he adds.

And when you do feel ready to dive in and explore, you'll want to do a little research into what to expect from a sex party — especially the one you'll be attending, because no two events are exactly alike.

Among what you'll want to bring, however? Your most confident self. I know, it may sound cliché, but without feeling comfortable and confident, you may have a difficult time fully finding pleasure and enjoyment in such an uninhibited, vulnerable environment. "Educate yourself about these parties. Watch some videos, listen to podcasts, or read about it. Talk to a friend that has been to one," Dr. Tara says. "Once you have more information you will feel more confident."

Being your most secure, sex-positive self is the best way to not only get invited to a sex party, but to ensure you have a satisfying time. And, as always, remember to use protection, ask for consent, and have fun. I'll be living vicariously through you.

Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. In addition to her contributions at PS, she is a staff writer on Bustle's Sex & Relationships vertical and a lifestyle news writer for The List.